It's the time of the month when I pay all my accounts, all my creditors.  Typical Scot that I am, this leaves me grumpy at the best of times, but although I'm Scottish and reluctant to part with my money, I'm also British, and bound by the sense of fair play - I used the account, I must settle.  My kids use the service, I must pay the fees.  That's just how it goes.  So much as it goads me to press the "pay account" button, it's not exactly what I call a "pet peeve", just a necessary evil.

No, what IS a pet peeve is the "friendly reminder" calls I get from certain stores close to or just after the 25th, reminding me that my account is due.  That in itself isn't too big an issue, as sometimes us middle-aged people have reasonably slippery memories.

So if it's not the paying, if it's not being reminded, what is it???  It's the sheer unprofessionalism of the call centre agents.  They go against every single ounce of etiquette, telephone training and even marketing training that I ever had in my life, and I promise you, nothing raises my hackles quicker.  So in the hope that somehow somewhere someone who works in a call centre, or who manages one, reads this simple rant, here's a call centre 101 for your wonderful staff, who I know are just doing a job, but are doing it badly, thanks to poor knowledge.

Lesson 1: When I answer the phone, never, ever, ever respond with "How are you?" unless you happen to be a friend of mine, and you know for a fact I will recognise your voice.

This sets the tone for the rest of the call for me.  Start with that, and my response is generally, "I'm fine, WHO  are you?????"  We learned this in marketing training, and it rings true with any PR type job that involves lots of phone calls - if you haven't introduced yourself, you have not earned the right for anyone to tell you anything about themselves, including how they are feeling on a particular day!  It might sound polite in your ears, but in ours we all know for a fact is that you do not know us from a bar of soap and are thus not particularly interested in our wellbeing.  I saw this in action the one day, when someone phoned me to sell me insurance and started off with "how are you?"  As I was in fact really not well that day, and on the point of going home from work, I said "Feeling grotty, full of the flu".  She replied with "I'm fine too, thanks for asking".  I'm not even joking.

Lesson 2: Speak slowly and clearly, especially if you have a strong accent.

No, this is not to do with my hearing getting a bit duller with the early onset of old age, but with 11 official languages in our country, and English speakers in the minority, it's understandable that non-English speakers will be employed at call centres.  No problem with that, but seriously, managers, invest in some communication and elocution lessons.  If you hear that your call centre staff are having to repeat every single sentence they say, every single call, you have a problem.  This is not a slant on people with accents other than English South African - for goodness' sake, I'm broad Scots!  I know all about having a strong accent, and when I first arrived here, nobody could understand me at all - I had to repeat myself several times over!  I learned the only way to communicate was to slow down, and speak clearly.  Annunciate, annunciate, annunciate.

Lesson 3: "No" is "no"

This one's specifically for marketers.  I know the hectic heavy sales training will tell you to handle objections, and "change that no to a yes!" but if someone has said "I'm sorry - I'm really not interested", to carry on and push the issue is only going to make the "no" even more definite. Classic example I can give you of this is a marketing call my erstwhile "trailer mate" (my office colleague) received recently.  When she said she wasn't interested, the lady on the other end said "But why not?  What is your problem?"  I guarantee, my colleague did not change her mind, once her motives were questioned!!

Some of the best calls I've ever been involved with would start "Good day, you're speaking to Janey from XYZ marketing.  Can I please just take two minutes of your time?"  (You've introduced yourself, you've put the customer in control, and you've appreciated that their time is important)

Or another example "Good day, am I speaking to .....?  I'm calling from XYZ shop about your account that's due.  Is now convenient for you to talk?  Yes?  Then I'd just like to mention that this call is being recorded for training purposes .... etc, etc". (You've confirmed the client, you've said who you are, you've stated your business, and you've again appreciated that their time is valuable. As soon as you've got them, you're back into your "spiel")

But I've kept the crowning glory for last, because it's not even a person.  Often a marketing company, or the debt collections department dial you on a "smart" system that, once you answer, gives you an automated voice message which says "Please stay on the line for this very important call"  and repeats ad nauseum.  I only ever did that the first time, only to be told that my account was due in two days - how would I be paying?  Three minutes for that????  What that system says is "Our call is important, but your time isn't".  

So, please, call centre managers - I know your guys are just doing a job, but you could make their working conditions so much better by giving them training on how to handle the public, telephone ettiquette, and vocal training, and, while there will always be the prickly customers, you will eradicate a lot of the small, niggly things that make us all roll our eyes when we see "Private number calling" on our phone screens.

Just a thought ....