Recovery - Pain and Patience (part 1)

I'd pretty much made up my mind to live with it, the shooting pain that ran from my left hip down my leg into my ankle. But it meant two or three daily doses of Compral, a simple analgesic, which is half-paracetamol, half-aspirin, and even I know in my limited medical knowledge, that that is going to play havoc with your stomach lining over a protracted period of time. So off I went to the GP for stronger painkillers to dull the pain.

However, I have one of those really irritating doctors who actually asks the "why" question, and thus refused to do the quick thing to get me out of his office by just prescribing pain pills. Oh, I got the prescription, but I also got an appointment made for me with the radiologist for x-rays on my lower back. A week later there was a phone call from the doctor's office - an appointment had been made for me with a neurosurgeon. I had no idea until then what a neurosurgeon even did!

So one week later - 2 weeks after my initial doctor's visit - there I was with the neurosurgeon, who subjected me to a barrage of tests and told me how he prefers to treat his patients through physiotherapy and less invasive means. But, just to be safe, he sent me off for an MRI scan, after which I was to return to his office. Half an hour of lying down, in a huge tube, listening to beeps of various tones, and we were back in the doctor's office. He looked at the scan and several choice words left his lips. My scan looked a little like this:

I say a little like this, because the gap between L4 and L5 in my back was incredibly small, like it had been compacted, and much more disc than that had pushed itself out. The sciatic nerve was being completely crushed, resulting in, at best, the pins and needles in my left leg, at worst, the severe sciatic pain.

He offered to perform a dischectomy two days later (to remove the piece of disc that protruded from between the vertebrae). However, July was already a hugely busy month in our family, and in order to have time to get everything done and to sort out everything at work, I asked for three weeks. There were days within those three weeks I definitely regretted it, but I somehow coped. I was able to watch Cath perform in her play, the kids got their learners' licences, my work was up to date and I was able to hand over in full confidence.

But then, on my last official day of work, I felt the telltale tickle in my throat when I woke up, which soon turned to a scratchiness, my eyes started watering, my nose started streaming, and I started coughing. By that night, the cold had fully taken hold. The following day it had turned to flu and I had to do the one thing which caused me the most pain as far as my sciatica went - I had to spend the full weekend in bed. The bigger question was would the op go ahead as planned?

A final visit to the neurosurgeon on the Monday, and him making a quick phone call to the anaesthetist, and the operation was given the green light. Two days of finalising everything, taking cough medicine every two hours (why must they all be liquorice flavoured???) and in I went to hospital. Final checks from the anaesthetist and neurosurgeon and finally at 9.30 am, I was off to theatre.

Pre-op, everything went fine. The drip went into my hand, the first shot of anaesthetic went in - and the next thing I remember, I was in the recovery room, surrounded by nurses, with one yelling for a nebuliser, and me coughing so violently that breathing was an impossibility. My oxygen levels in my blood dropped drastically  and I was put on supplementary oxygen. Eventually, after a few minutes on the nebuliser, the coughing eased enough for me to start breathing again.

When they were sure I was stabilised, I was sent back up to the High Care ward. The nurse that looked after me there did it with such genuine love and caring that I was truly moved to tears by her. Nothing was too much trouble at all.

Hospital with a view - where I had my back ops

The following day, I was moved to a general care room, all tubes removed, and the physio got me up onto my feet again. By the afternoon, I managed a lap of the nursing station, earning me a hug from the high care nurse who'd looked after me the previous day.

However, the chest cold was still present. I was still coughing, still being nebulised four times a day. But I was super-excited to tell the family all the good news on the Thursday evening of my "exercise", and how good it felt to walk without leg pain.

That all changed the following morning. I woke up, "barrel-rolled" onto my right side, pushed myself up into a sitting position, stood up - and immediately felt the shooting pain in my left leg. By the time the physio got there, I was battling to put any weight at all on my left side. She brought me a walking frame - not even that helped. My appetite completely disappeared as waves of nausea engulfed me. The physio told me to rather spend the day completely resting than even trying to walk. And that was the lowest point. I felt incredibly ill, I was in severe pain and I was sure I wasn't going to pull through - that I must be having a severe reaction to the anaesthetic or something, and that combined with the flu was going to kill me. When the neurosurgeon came in later, I was lying on my side, tears rolling down my cheeks, completely defeated. He said it sounded like more of the disc had popped out and that what they do in those cases is a "review" where they open up the wound, go in and check, then remove any more disc that had come out. He was quite flummoxed in that he'd never in his life had to do a review only three days after the initial op. He could only put it down to the violent coughing spells, persisting despite nebulisation.

So on the Saturday morning, there I was going back to theatre. I just remember feeling so down. so utterly helpless. This time, in the recovery room, I wasn't coughing, but I did have oxygen, and the first thing I heard was "Breathe! You have to breathe!" Apparently, I wasn't breathing deeply enough to get the required amount of oxygen into my blood, and again it took a little while to stabilise me.

This time, no high care ward. And a couple of difficult mealtimes (try cutting food when you are lying flat!) And the much-hated "popsocks" (air socks to help with circulation). But by lunchtime on Sunday, the nurses and physio once again had me back on my feet. This time, I lapped the nursing station with ease, and at the evening visiting, spent a good deal of time sitting up.

However, that night the cough, which had been easier since Saturday, came back with a vengeance. Cath still said to me that night, "Mom, stop it! That's how the trouble started the last time!" I laughed it off.

Next day was more physio, more exercise and a promise that I would go home the following day. That night, I started to feel a niggling pain in my left leg again, but I put it down to over-exertion and tiredness. However, when it was still there the following morning, I mentioned it to the neurosurgeon. He was also of the opinion that it was just the nerve settling down, and that it would start to ease up.

And so, six days after my first op, three days after my second, I was sent home to start three weeks of recovery.

In Celebration of the Speed Wobble

I saw a very apt post on Facebook recently - the words on the picture read "I thought I would have to teach my child about the world; it seems I'm going to have to teach the world about my child". This describes the last 9½ years of our lives. Some of those years have been tough, some have been really happy, all of them have given us new lessons, and new opportunities to bring awareness to others of my little one's condition.

Before 2004, I had never heard the word "nystagmus". My third pregnancy - my "miracle baby' - was progressing very, very normally. I was eating healthily, definitely getting plenty of sleep, and preparing for this new little bundle.

In March 2004, this new little bundle - Anthony - made his way noisily and hurriedly into the world. Typical Anthony - he can't wait for anything; he was 2½ weeks early! He looked absolutely healthy, and met all his milestones. He even settled into his new creche at three months old like a trooper. But when Anthony's creche teacher said that she really felt Anthony should see an optometrist as he was behind on his milestones for sight, we were given a diagnosis that would set a course in motion that is nowhere near reaching a conclusion, but is an ongoing, exciting journey.

Tiny Tony beside the engine of a Boeing 747 at Rand Airport

We had noticed that Anthony's eyes "tracked" rapidly from side to side, especially late at night when he was fighting sleep. The optometrist diagnosed this as "nystagmus". I asked what would have caused this, and she said "Oh, it could be a number of things - muscles in his eyes that didn't develop properly or that died around birth...." I spent the next eight years trying to remember every single thing I'd done, meal I'd eaten, drink I'd drank in order to work out what I had or hadn't done that I shouldn't have or should have. I needed to be able to warn people not to make the same mistake. To no avail - it was like looking for a needle, not in a haystack, but in a complete warehouse of hay.

Despite his eye movements, he grew perfectly, and was doing so well in every other way. The signs of his ADHD were already appearing, but he was such a little character - our very own Duracell bunny - that we didn't think anything of it. Yes, he was busy, but we didn't see it as a problem. It just would have been nice if he'd slept before 11 when he was little!

At age 5, Anthony got his first pair of glasses. The opthalmologist at the time told us how bad his eyes were, and also recommended that he see a specialist to give him exercises for his eyes. We went to her for a while but it didn't seem to make any difference.

Tony and his sister Cath on his first day of school

Anthony started school just before his 7th birthday. From day one, he was sold - this was the best thing that had happened in his life, as far as he was concerned. Seriously, of my three children, he's the only one that frets during the holidays because he is missing maths lessons! He had an amazing teacher in grade 1, and as the daughter-in-law of an ophthalmologist, she recognised that there was a major problem. She asked me to go back to Anthony's ophthalmologist and get him retested. I did, and got much of the same story. He went back to the eye specialist, and she delivered the blow that Tony's eyesight problems in the classroom were definitely because of the nystagmus, that there was nothing she could do, or that any specialist or surgeon could do, and then she added "Try to keep him in mainstream schools for as long as you can, but if I were you, I'd start exploring other options". I went home dejected, dispirited and despondent.

The one thing our family does have is wonderful people around us who support us, and one such person was waiting at home - my daughter's best friend. We were chatting about the prognosis, and she said "Mom, Tony's going to be fine at Summies (Somerset West Primary). You know they will go out of their way to accommodate Anthony. After Grade 7 - well, we can take that when we get to it. Who knows what technology will be available? But even if you work very closely with the teachers, and enlarge the sections of the textbooks they will be dealing with on that day, he'll be fine, and he'll get through it." So wise for her 19 years! It was just the pragmatic talking-to I needed to spur me back into moving forward.

Anthony's teacher continued to be full of patience with him, and was always looking for things she could do to make his life easier. She had him sitting right at the front of the class and she helped him with giving him paper to copy from, rather than him having to read the blackboard. She also arranged a field trip to the Pioneer School for the Blind and Visually Impaired in Worcester (Western Cape), where she hoped to pick up classroom tips to help him. He was seen by a nursing sister and a social worker. On giving him a brief eye test, the nursing sister's first comment to us was "please get a second opinion on this child's distance vision". We got some great advice that day and found some excellent things to do to help in the classroom.

It took us a year to get that second opinion, but get it we did, and this ophthalmologist, who is a specialist in paediatric ophthalmology, literally took one look at Anthony and said "have you tested this child for Ocular Albinism?" Well, as we'd never heard of it, clearly we hadn't, so he organised the test - a few drops in the eye so that it could be looked at through a special camera - to confirm his diagnosis. He first did all the distance vision tests, and normal eyesight tests. We then had a "coffee break" to allow the drops to work their magic, and also for us to Google "ocular albinism".

40 minutes later, and a couple of photographs, the confirmation was there - Anthony does indeed have ocular albinism. Basically, his eyes do not have melanin in them, so they can't filter light like normal eyes. One of the symptoms of ocular albinism is nystagmus. The doctor confirmed that Anthony has only 50% vision, and the chances of him ever driving a car are absolutely minimal. He gave us some practical advice for the classroom, and for outdoors (lots of sunscreen, cricket hat as opposed to baseball cap, the darker the pencil the better) and prescribed Anthony some new spectacles which not only saw to his distance vision but were photochromic (went dark in sunlight) to help with his light filtration issues. He also left us with a bittersweet thought: "Yes, his eyes are bad, and they're not going to get better, but I can assure you they also won't get any worse."

But here was the big thing for me - for eight years I'd beaten myself up trying to work out what went wrong during pregnancy or birth, and yet this doctor's diagnosis had proved that Anthony's condition wasn't an "event" - it was all part of his genetic make-up, decreed in those very first cells of life, just as much as his blue eyes and his strawberry blond hair. From the moment of conception, nothing I could have done or shouldn't have done would have made a difference to Anthony's sight. I cannot describe how much of a release that was for me.

In this story, the biggest challenges Anthony faces are due to his nystagmus and his battle to visually focus on items (his inability to mentally focus is due to ADHD, but that's another story). Despite that, and all his vision issues, he continues to get great marks in English and Maths. We continue to learn along with his teachers how best to teach him in the classroom, and we've implemented a lot. I've been to visit various organisations and been given advice by them as to how we can help Anthony in simple, everyday ways. More than all of that, though, we've been able to educate people and explain why he battles to identify people, places, figures, objects, and more importantly, words on any screen. I've had to explain why photocopies are often a bad option for him, why he can't share a book, why he should use 2B pencils instead of HB. And I'm sure as time goes on, there will be new things teachers will let me know have worked in the classroom, and there will be new methods I will be able to show teachers. Who says you can't teach old dogs new tricks???

"What Can I See" - a short clip as to what people with albinism, ocular albinism and nystagmus see every day

After discovering Anthony had ocular albinism, I sought to find a support group for either this or nystagmus in South Africa. I had hundreds of questions. The more I sought, the more I saw that there did not seem to be such an organisation. By the end of the year and much searching, a number of people said to me personally, or via social media "Maybe you need to be the one to start it". There isn't an awareness of nystagmus in South Africa, or indeed most of the world.

Which brings me (finally!) to the point of this blog post. This year, for the first time ever, today (6th November) marks the international nystagmus awareness day which for 2013 is being known as "Wobbly Wednesday". Nystgamus Network in the UK have taken this very seriously, and many "Nystagmus Mums" (or dads), and those who battle daily with nystagmus, are speaking on local radio stations, talking in schools and hospitals, or giving interviews to newspapers about living with nystagmus and the challenges that they face every day. As a condition suffered by 1 in every thousand, in South Africa, we can expect statistically that 51 700 people would have nystagmus.

There is no treatment for nystagmus, no operation, no magic pill. It may stabilise as children get older, contact lenses may help, but it will never go away. But it's far from a life sentence, or a hindrance. Don't believe me? Ask Sir James Galway. Or Kenny Rogers. Or Pruitt Taylor Vince. Or Apl.de.Ap - they all have nystagmus. Or ask Anthony, who will simply tell you "my eyes wobble!" before running off to start a game of Marvel Superheroes or Star Wars with his friends.

If you have nystagmus, or have a family member with nystagmus, or if you are an educational or medical professional dealing with the eye condition, please go to and "like" the Nystagmus Support SA Facebook page. And please spread the word! Nystagmus isn't a life sentence - it's an adjustment to everyday life.

A Speed Wobble By Any Other Name ....

If you've read my blog post from last November you'll know about my little Ginga Ninja, Tony, and the challenge of his Nystagmus and his ADHD.  Treatment is going ahead for the ADHD, and while I'd like to say that he's a very cool, calm, collected young boy now, he wouldn't be Tony if he was. As he pointed out a few weeks ago, "I'm not a 'calm-down' kind of guy!"


However, we decided, after our visit to the Pioneer School for the Blind in Worcester last year, that we wanted a second opinion on Anthony's eyes.  We finally got to take him to Dr Galloway in Wynberg (Cape Town) on Monday, and he tested for - and confirmed - that Anthony has something called Ocular Albinism.


This may be the first time - like it was for us - that you have ever heard of this condition, and you may be wondering what it actually is.  Here is the definition from the National Organisation for Albinism and Hypopigmentation (NOAH) :

Ocular albinism in an inherited condition in which the eyes lack melanin pigment, while the skin and hair show normal or near-normal coloration.

The lack of pigment in the eyes causes various vision problems:

• Reduced visual acuity from 20/60 to 20/400 and sometimes as good as 20/25 in African-Americans, 
• Nystagmus - involuntary back-and-forth movement of the eyes, 
• Strabismus - crossed eyes or "lazy" eye, and 
• Sensitivity to bright light and glare. 

The reduced visual acuity may result in difficulty in school, such as inability to read what is written on a chalkboard except when very close, and difficulty with ball sports. It may also result in inability to drive.

With ocular albinism, the color of the iris of the eye may vary from blue to green or even brown, and sometimes darkens with age. However, when an eye doctor examines the eye by shining a light from the side of the eye, the light shines back through the iris since very little pigment is present. There may be areas of the iris which have very little pigment.

The main problem with the eye in ocular albinism is in the fovea, small area of the retina which affords acute vision. With ocular albinism, the fovea does not develop completely, presumably because melanin pigment is needed for the growth processes that normally occur before birth. Therefore the eye cannot process sharp light images. Because the fovea does not develop well, it is difficult to correct vision completely with glasses.

Another defect in ocular albinism is that nerves from the back of the eye to the brain do not follow the usually pattern of routing. From the normal eye, nerve fibers go to both sides of the brain, that is, the same side as the eye and the side opposite from the eye. From the eye with ocular albinism, more of the nerve fibers cross from the eye to the opposite side of the brain.

Basically, after giving Tony what everyone would recognise as an eye test (chart with numbers/letters), he put drops in Tony's eyes and sent us off for half an hour (good chance to get coffee and Google Oculur Albinism!).  When we came back, he took photos of Anthony's eyes with a specialised camera, and the photo looked something like this:

"Those main blood vessels you see there are the main veins and arteries carrying blood to and from the heart.  Do you see those other, fainter blood vessels?"

"Yes"

"Well - that's the problem - you're not supposed to!"  He then proceeded to show us a photo of a normal eye, which looks something like this:

Remarkable difference, isn't it?  That coating is the pigmentation melanin, and it's what filters the light coming into your eyes. Without it, there's no light filtration.  

Let me clarify that Anthony is NOT albino - that's another condition altogether.  Someone who has albinism has no pigmentation in their skin, hair, eyes at all - Anthony has very strong pigmentation in his hair - that beautiful strawberry blonde colour is what some women pay thousands for every year!  He has the bluest of eyes, and though his skin is very fair, it's only slightly paler than usual.

However, as stated above, this condition does lead to vision problems, and Anthony will always have glasses or contact lenses. His sight will not improve.  In measuring his vision, Dr Galloway believes Tony's sight to be in the region of 50%. But the good news is, it won't get worse either. The doctor's advice was to keep him in mainstream school as long as he flourishes, but to bear in mind that it will get more difficult in the higher grades.  I decided to ask a question that has been on my mind for a while, and asked if he would ever be able to drive.  The doctor's reply was that he'd rather prepare us for the worst now, so that anything else is an unexpected surprise, but he believed with Anthony's level of vision, he would not ever be able to learn to drive.

So that's where we are. Does this affect Anthony?  Not at all - he's the same happy-go-lucky child he always was.  He'll quite happily go up to a complete stranger and announce proudly "I have a nystagmus! My eye wobbles!"  Or to another (with a huge smile on his face) "I have ADHD - and so does my best friend!" That's just who he is - ain't nothing gonna break-a his stride, nobody's gonna slow him down - oh no! He's got to keep on moving!  

With the amazing school he goes to and its teaching staff, nothing will change there either. He is already sitting right at the front of the class, with an angled add-on to his desk, so that he's not looking directly down and working in his own light. He works with 2B pencils, not HB, and luckily the print in his readers is big enough for him to see.  He gets high marks for English, Maths and Science. He has an analytic and logical mind, so he loves the problem-solving queries he has to deal with. He soaks in information like a sponge.  In short, he is more than flourishing, he's excelling.

Here's the thing.  When, years ago, I was told that Anthony's nystagmus was the result of muscles not having developed properly, I got to thinking "What did I do wrong? What didn't I do?".  However, on reading up on Ocular Albinism, it comes from the X-chromosome, so at conception there was a 50-50 chance that Anthony would get it. And he did, while his brother Andrew didn't (it generally affects boys more than girls). So here's the way I'm looking at it.  God decreed from the moment that those cells split that Anthony would have Ocular Albinism.. Why? Because He has a massive plan for his life.  "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).  At this stage I don't know what Anthony's future looks like. What I do know is that it is bright.  He's a super-bright child, a total science geek already, nerd deluxe - he'll take anyone on in a quiz on Doctor Who, Star Wars or Harry Potter.  His Grade 1 teacher already said he will grow up to be a writer - either of fantasy novels or of computer programs. I could honestly believe that.  

Did God make a mistake when Anthony was conceived?  Was this just a freaky accident of nature?  Not at all.  I believe God was very intentional in this.  In thinking about it all on Monday, the only verse that was coming into my mind was "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) All those intricate things that go into making Anthony who he is INCLUDED the "speed wobble" that he has, and his superdrive.  He is the first to "walk across the room" and introduce himself to new people. He is not in the least bashful, and has no qualms about his conditions.

There are many challenges ahead for Anthony, and many questions that have arisen, but this I do know - this  condition does not mean the end for Anthony.  It is a new beginning, and one from which he will spring to entirely new levels of achievement.

Finally, if anyone does know of any support groups here in Cape Town for Ocular Albinism, and if anyone has answers for me on the legal applications (like can/should I register him as officially visually impaired, what is available to help him - physically, emotionally and financially?) then please, please get in touch with me.  

Please stay tuned - I have a feeling there are going to be many chapters in this story!

Breaking chains

It was reported today that Abdelbaset Al-Megrahi passed away, with his family round his bedside. Some of you reading this will wonder what on earth this has to do with anything, and the name will mean nothing to you. Unfortunately, the name conjures up all kinds of reactions in others, depending on where your sympathies lie. Al-Megrahi was convicted of having planted the bomb on Pan Am Flight 103 on December 21st, 1988, and causing a 747 to break up over Lockerbie, Scotland - my home town.

The Air Disaster memorial in Rosebank Cresent, some 50 m from my childhood home. where the galley section ploughed into a group of four houses.

Taken from the memorial - my house is on the right, where the fourth car down is parked

A number of status updates I've seen today from Lockardian residents include things like "at last, some happy news!" and "good riddance!".  Despite the fact that we - like everyone in the town - were impacted by the atrocities of that fateful night, I just can't feel that way.  In the same way that I felt the celebrations of Osama Bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi's assassinations were, though understandable, as wrong as the anti-American celebrations that were held in Libya or Palestine after the bombing of flight 103 or 9/11, that's the way I feel about celebrating the death of Al-Megrahi.  I just can't. But by the same token, I don't feel sorry for him at all. At this point, I don't know how I feel.  

What I do feel, has nothing to do with Al-Megrahi at all. Not really.  Because in dealing with things like the Lockerbie Air Disaster, we're faced with an issue called "Forgiveness".  That's what the real issue is here.  It's easy to hate. It's easy to blame. It's easy to demand justice. It's easy to celebrate what we determine is someone's just desserts. That's human nature, and it comes easily to us all. But while justice has a very necessary place in the world, if all we did was mete out justice and seek justice for all those that had wronged us, the world we lived in would be a dark, fearful, legalistic place. Not only would we spend our time scrutinising people to accuse, we'd live in fear of being accused, and the retribution to follow. The reason it isn't like this is because of forgiveness. With it, we can begin to move on. Without it, at best we are impossible to live with. The worst is far more dire and horrific.


C R Strahan said "Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim--letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.”  That is very true.  While you hold on to the pain of whatever offence has been committed, you can never be more than a victim. Is it easy?  It's the hardest thing you'll ever do. And it's a choice that only strong people make. As I said, it takes no brains at all to hang on to the grudge. It is a wilful choice to let go and to forgive. Unforgiveness leads to resentment, which, said Nelson Mandela "is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies".  All these 23 years we've been resenting Al-Megrahi - do you think our anger has made one bit of difference to him? No? Here's the question - what has that anger done to you?  

Don't hear what I'm not saying. If people are guilty of an offence, of course there should be consequences and the justice systems (hopefully) would see to that.  However, even if not, it's not our place on earth to act as judge and jury for every inhumane act against everyone else. Yes, step in where you can, and bring people to justice. But to hold on to anger against someone for years and years and years will change nothing in the situation, and will certainly do you no good.

I watched a programme tonight called "Final 24", on the last day of Gianni Versace's life. The gunman was an obsessed fan by the name of Andrew Cunanan, who had (according to this programme) been unintentionally snubbed by Versace at a party in Los Angeles.  Cunanan never forgot the slight at all, and seven years later  he followed his fallen hero to South Beach, Miami and shot him twice, killing him with the second shot. Seven years of holding a grudge.  Seven years of going over and over the internal pain. Seven years of hate and anger. And eventually it all became too much.  Seven years later, Gianni Versace was gunned down by a total stranger whose intense hate emanated from an offence years in the the past, of which Versace was totally and completely unaware and unaffected.

Jim Beaver said, "Forgiveness is not something you do for someone else; it's something you do for yourself. To forgive is not to condone, it is to refuse to continue feeling bad about an injury." Forgiveness in many ways has very little to do with the other person, and more to do with you.  That we hold onto our grudges says way more about us than it does about the original offenders.

Do we need to necessarily physically have to confront someone and say "I forgive you"?  I battled with this one aspect.  But if you realise, as I said above, that it's more about letting go, then it really becomes a conscious decision to release this offender from your thoughts, to treat him/her as if he/she were no different from the next person.  You see, if they haven't admitted guilt and repented, then you saying to them "I forgive you" would be a pointless exercise, and would probably only serve to stir up more anger. In many ways, forgiveness is purely a heart thing, more than a physical thing.

And I really believe this is what Jesus was getting at in the Sermon on the Mount when he said "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those that persecute you." (Matthew 5:44)  Forgive. Make a decision of the heart. Where does love come from? From the heart.  But just as true love is not a feeling - it's a daily choice - it's the same with forgiveness.  Once you've made that decision, praying for those who are putting you through hell on earth becomes a little easier (Note I didn't say easy - sometimes it really is a physical battle!)

I'm not saying this because I'm in a perfect place on this. It does not take much to set me on a course of unforgiveness, or to feel "justified". It happened to me recently when someone I went to school with was complaining because someone was bullying his daughter. This same person used to bully me at school. It is so hard not to gloat at that point and to feel anything other than a sense of justice.  But then, what about the poor little girl?  Why would I feel happy about that happening to another girl, just like me? When does this circle end? Simply when I choose to break it, to repent of my smugness, and pray for this little girl.  

I know you won't all agree with me, and I'll probably stir up a complete hornets' nest, but since it took me to have to be put onto lifetime medication to at least start learning this lesson, it's not my heart that any of you should have to do this the hard way.  Let it go.  Paul says "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written,“Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19). That's a justice from which no government, family or lawyer can save you. But it belongs to God alone. Forgive. Let it be, and move on.

Trust me, all those who know you and your own body will thank you.

Getting to Know Me Part 5: Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

So in the past 5 days, it's been established that I'm introverted, I love helping people, I'm probably the most likely person in the room to be taken advantage of, acquisition of information is my "thing", I'm most likely to be found with my nose in a book, I'm a wordsmith, I like to get on with a job as soon as I've been given ownership of it and I'm not very quick at making my mind up. That's the ones I agree with.

Simon, the gentleman who introduced us to Strengthsfinder last week had some stuff to say about me.  I'm not sure I agreed with all of it.  He did make it clear that I was likely to get irritated with "drama queens" and people who sweat the small stuff, because I'm all about finding the solution. He said as well, which I disagree with, that I dislike doing routine things again and again.  I have no problem with routine tasks.  In fact I create mini-challenges for myself to do it better and faster next time.  I have an inward celebration when my petty cash balances weekly. It's a challenge for me to see how quickly I can get minutes out after meetings. Mary Poppins summed it up so beautifully:

"In every task that must be done, there is an element of fun
You find the fun and - SNAP! - the job's a game!"

He said that I was solid and dependable, and also pointed out that I probably needed some level of protection, because I was easily taken advantage of.  He said the word that summed me up would probably be "humble" (I'm not sure I agree with that). He then said "this person will never, ever, ever, come into your office and ask you for a pay rise".  Which is true - I can't think of anything I'd rather do less, even if I think I deserve it!  And then he proceeded to say "this person probably does not share her toys or let you even touch her toys".  My colleagues, at that point, burst out laughing and said "her pens!!!!!" I have colour-coded pens (I know - very OCD of me! I almost sound like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory!) and it freaks me when on a Wednesday my green pen is gone, or I can't find my black pen and I know I put it in my pen holder.  So Gregan (married to Glen, whose input we'll get to just now) had a special little pen box that you can file inside a folder, which she didn't want or need any more, and so gave it to me.  It has been the best invention ever for me (after flipfiles and post-it flags), because I can lock it in my drawer!!!  But that's a bad example.  I just like doing things a particular way and since most of the other pens in the office are black ink, I really do fight to protect my purple, green and red pens!  But pretty much anything I'll share. Just maybe not the same cup at the same time. Or a plastic bottle. I didn't think I was too much of a germophobe, but I must admit, that does give me the heeby-jeebies.  He also said that I probably thought I was the most intelligent person in the room.  In looking around the room, with trained psychologists, political scientists, published authors, business owners, lawyers and b.comm students, I certainly didn't feel like the most intelligent there.  In fact, as I looked around the room, I realised that I am the only one that does not have or is not working towards a degree.  So of all Simon's statements, that one was probably the hardest to swallow, and I still don't think that way.

On the whole, though, I fared pretty well in Simon's summing up (though I did say to a couple of my colleagues "He made it sound like I hate my job and I only want more money!!!"), but there were others who went home depressed at the people they thought they were. So the following day, one of our elders, Glen, sent this amazing email, which he gave me permission to publish in this blog, and with it, I'll close this series.

From: Glen Bodington
Sent: 02 February 2012 12:03 PM
To: Newgen Admin Staff
Subject: Fearfully and Wonderfully made

Hello Wonderful and Diverse Individuals,

Yesterday Simon's StrengthFinder was quite an experience, I'm sure we all agree. Thanks Stef for initiating the time with him in an attempt to grow us and invest in us.

Last night after Simon's character assessments, which were mostly quite accurate, I got to thinking about the implications of what he said and would like you to take the following to heart when mulling your assessment over in your mind:

1) Simon isn't God

No surprise, that! Simon's job is to assess you based on the glasses through which you viewed and answered the questions. The assessment helps to point out how you see the world and make judgements, BASED ON 5 WORDS. Clearly this is not your entire make up, but does highlight the slants that we place on decision making without us even knowing. Simon isn't trying to define you, God defined you before He created you and He LOVES the way that He made you. Simon is hoping to help us explore how God wired us.

2) Strengths NOT curses

Simon started off with the disclaimer that he will try to highlight what characteristics make you who you are. The characteristics don't "make you who you are", the characteristics come out because of who you are and who God made you to be.

eg. So Simon said that I was probably "arrogant". After clarifying that, he meant "confident in what I do" because I have full confidence that what I do I do to the best of my ability. (That actually can lead to arrogance!) Confidence is good and can be a strength. Arrogance is bad, but is undoubtedly linked to confidence, just in the wrong manner. To know your strengths should give you permission (where you haven't exercised it) to use it AS GOD INTENDED. Confidence is Godly, arrogance isn't.

3) Stef FINALLY makes sense

The benefit of going through the process together is that it SHOULD open my eyes to the fact that God made you very different to me. Gift mixes are beautiful and individual. I now know that my envy of Monique's tidy top-drawer is because our wirings of "Achiever" don't naturally allow us to have an untidy drawer because we want them to be the best - that's not wrong, it's just Monique! It should free her up to want to tidy everyone's top drawer and we should all let her do it! We should be more tolerable of other people's differences and not conform them to our view of what the perfect person looks like.

4) Don't forget about Jesus!

All of what came out in the results excluded the positive and life-changing power of Jesus Christ who came to save us from ourselves! My profile would read very differently if it wasn't for Jesus - my top 5 "themes" would still be my top 5 themes, but the expression of those themes would be VERY DIFFERENT.

ACHIEVER:

without Jesus: I want to be the very best. I will climb the corporate ladder and earn my way to the top!

because of Jesus: I want to be excellent and do everything excellently, because He made me and He deserves everything of me.

LEARNER:

without Jesus: I love reading and I read a lot. I absorb information and know pretty much everything. Yes, I am superior to you and I will speak with words that are completely over your head. No, you can't teach me anything because I already know everything!

because of Jesus: I Love reading and I read a lot. God is so huge and so vast that I can never know everything - how exciting. I may know more than this guy speaking to me, but I want to remain teachable. I'll also choose to speak to you so that the language is understandable - I have no benefit in losing you in big words!

The permutations are endless!

Jesus gives us value, not our talents. Jesus gives us value, not even the fact that He made us. Jesus, alone, gives us value and meaning.

I am a work in progress - being formed into the image of Christ. I will still have the character traits that He put inside me, but I will be expressing them to the glory of God. God does want you to be you, but the you that is submitted to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. I need to know what I naturally tend toward to prevent me from being abused in that area, but also to bring glory to God in that area. I need to know what I naturally tend toward when I make a decision because my viewpoint IS VALID, just different.

This is an amazing team to work with and the gift mix that God has brought together makes it a formidable team in His hands. Let's appreciate, stimulate and applaud each others wiring that is a strength. We appreciate you for who you are and know that you add value. That's why you're on this team! And God knows the incredible futures that He has for us in this incredibly privileged place of working in NewGen.

Much love and appreciation,

Glen

You knitted me together in my mother's womb. 
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; 
   my soul knows it very well.  (Psalm 139:13-14)

Getting to Know Me Part 4: Undercurrents

So yesterday I mentioned that, according to Strengthsfinder, I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge, and will most likely have my head buried in a book at any given time.

However, I was told to log my top 5, so here are the other three, in order:

3. Learner


People who are especially talented in the Learner theme have a great desire to learn and want to continuously improve. In particular, the process of learning, rather than the outcome, excites them. (And this, in a nutshell, explains why my high school days were the most miserable days of my life.  I love the idea of being in a class, of learning, and with my thirst for knowledge, I just wanted to be taught. And then you get the class clowns who are exactly the opposite....)


Because of your strengths you prefer to work in groups. (Not necessarily) You are attracted to teams whose activities and challenges intrigue you. You usually give these matters your undivided attention. Chances are good that you are attracted to the difficult and challenging endeavours. (If I'm honest, what normally happens is that I somehow accidentally end up volunteering for things or getting involved by default) You are not inclined to look for the easy way out. You are bold. You take risks. (Not really) You dare to stretch your mind. You test the limits of your abilities in ways that timid individuals would not attempt. By nature, you might search for the factors that produced a certain outcome or started a particular chain of events. Sometimes you are frustrated until you figure out why things happen the way they did.(Another major cause of my insomnia) Instinctively, you sometimes dedicate yourself to acquiring specific types of knowledge or using particular skills. Maybe you are self-taught. (Pretty much all my computer skills are self-taught) Maybe you work with an instructor, trainer, coach or mentor. You might embrace opportunities to expose your mind to new ideas.(or I might not) You might welcome the chance to practice new ways of plying - that is, diligently practising - a trade or a craft. It's very likely that you relish reading about topics that fascinate you. People are not surprised to find you with your nose in a book - that is, reading all the time. (The word to emphasise in that sentence is "all") When a subject intrigues you, you review a wide range of printed materials. You glean - that is, collect bits and pieces - as much information as you possibly can about your areas of greatest interest. (What has amazed me in my spring clean this year is how much my interests have changed and how many newspaper articles, emails, magazine articles I was able to throw away).

4. Responsibility


People who are especially talented in the Responsibility theme take psychological ownership of what they say they will do. They are committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty. (Absolutely)

Instinctively you are a person upon whom others can depend. When you make a promise, you keep it. You feel obligated to honour your commitments. (Whatever it takes) You do things correctly, accurately, and properly. (Doing it any other way is not God-honouring, nor is it satisfying nor does it honour the person you're doing it for) It's very likely that you probably are the team member who wants to be held accountable for the results you produce and the obligations you assume. You can readily admit when you are wrong. You usually accept without complaining the consequences of your words and deeds. Driven by your talents, you may reject the idea that telling a falsehood about something unimportant is acceptable.(A lie is a lie) Perhaps you refuse to make an innocent social excuse to protect someone's feelings.(This is pretty much why my last job was a disaster - because I couldn't in honesty tell someone that my ex-boss wasn't there when she very definitely was.) Because of your strengths, you sometimes work hard to do what you said you would do. (Hometime is a concept to me, not set in stone) Perhaps you take pleasure from hearing people say they can count on you. Being regarded as dependable or trustworthy might be your badge of honour. (See, this is where I have to be very careful - pride can very easily set in) By nature, you may have a reputation for exhibiting more adult-like behaviour than a few of your colleagues, teammates, classmates, friends or others.(Again, why high school was so painful to me - some people just need to grow up!!!) Some individuals regard you as an expert in your field,. Perhaps they notice you are talented, skilled and/or knowledgeable. When certain people appreciate these traits, you might be motivated to use them on a daily basis.

5. Developer


People who are especially talented in the Developer theme recognise and cultivate the potential in others. They spot the signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements.

Instinctively, you are naturally inclined to make sacrifices that benefit someone else. You enjoy being generous with your time, knowledge, skills, experiences, resources or possessions. (Mmmmm ... yes.... to a point). Driven by your talents, you are devoted to helping others. (This much is right) You keep serving , even to the point of your own detriment. (How does that 'n' word go?  Nnnnnnyessss) You toil tirelessly for the benefit of people. You expect nothing in return. Exhausted as you are, you usually derive satisfaction from working on worthy causes with your friends. Because of your strengths, you may sense the good qualities certain people possess. Perhaps you find something to like in many individuals you meet. Sometimes you remind others of the reasons why you think a person is special. In the process, you might boost the self-esteem or confidence of a newcomer. It's very likely that you may derive satisfaction from helping youngsters. The exact nature of your assistance might be influenced by your talents as well as your knowledge and skills. By nature, you like to lift the spirits of the people around you. You know what to do and say so individuals feel useful, valued, appreciated and important.(I'm no saint - I can also be impatient, and cutting).


So that's my core characteristics.  Stay tuned for the final blog in this series, tomorrow,when I will go into what pulls all of these previous posts together, because there is one factor that hasn't been taken into account in any of these tests.

My favourite team

Getting to Know Me Part 3 - At the Core

I'd heard about Strengthsfinder some time ago when a work colleague at Cotlands started talking about it after attending a lecture on the subject. It was interesting, but it was knowledge I put to the back of my mind, and never thought about it again.

That is until Newgen decided to do an admin teambuilding day.

The basic history and premise of Strengthsfinder

We were each given a link and a unique code, given the instruction to log in, answer the questions, and thus gain the 5 words generated as a result. So I duly did that last Sunday - closed my door, logged in and completed the questionnaire.  Sure enough, I got my 5 words.  It was only on the Tuesday that I found out I'd been given a report that I could print out!  When I read it, I was terrified, and convinced some kind of witchcraft was going on!

On the Wednesday morning, we got to meet Simon, who explained what Strengthsfinder was and what it does, and we got to see (most of us for the first time) into whether our words fell into the "influence", "relate", "strategic" or "execute" domains.  "Influence" is those traits which help us in large group situations - they quite enjoy limelight, being in public, think of things like ambience, moods, etc.  But they're not very good at one-on-one relationships - that's the job of the "relate" key words.  People who are strong in this are real "people" people.  While they might be shy, they are very tuned in to how a person is feeling, and whether they feel part of what is going on or not.  Then the "strategic" people are the deep thinkers and planners - research and innovation is what they thrive on.  Then the "executors" - the "get it done" type people.  They might not be friendly, but they know what has to be done, and they get it done - very, very efficiently.

So Simon started giving us our groupings.  Not really surprising, none of my words fell into the "Influence" domain.  I really am a person who prefers very much to be quietly in the back row, so I wasn't surprised.  My fifth strongest trait - that of "developer" came up under relate, and then my top three traits came up in "strategic".  If you've been keeping up, then you will know that my last one was in "execute."

Anyway. let me give you my top two - the two words that Strengthsfinder reckons sum me up better that any other words in the whole world:

1, Input


People who are especially talented in the input theme have a craving to know more. Often they like to collect and archive all kinds of information.  (So true - this is where flipfiles are the best invention ever!)

Chances are good that you are determined to keep abreast of the news. You probably satisfy your hunger for current information by habitually reading newspapers, magazines, correspondence, memos, files or Internet sites. (Witchcraft, I tell you - who told them????) Driven by your talents, you delight in the opportunity to hear leading thinkers discuss their theories and insights. The "life of the mind" appeals to you greatly. You relish acquiring new information about profound, out-of-the-ordinary, or scholarly ideas. It's very likely that you may be a wordsmith - that is, a person who works with words. (Hence my blog!) Perhaps you collect complicated terms and their definitions. Whether you can use these immediately or months later is of little concern.(I love playing "It Pays To Enhance Your Word Power" in Reader's Digest! And Balderdash is just the most fantastic game ever for this!) You might realise your sophisticated vocabulary is an "open sesame" - that is, words that unfailingly bring about a desired end. You might speak or write in such a manner that the condition of humankind or the planet improves in some small, yet meaningful, way. By nature, you may insert intricate or theoretical words into your academic or professional conversations and writings. your interest in language partially explains why you enjoy mastering specific types of words and their definitions. While some individuals are required to memorise new terms in classes or seminars, perhaps you automatically commit specific words to memory. Occasionally you describe this experience as pleasurable. Instinctively, you can escape the tension, pressure or stress of everyday life by reading a good book, diving into a publication's articles, or pulling up information on the Internet. ("Oh, this is so not like me!" she says sarcastically ....)You are apt to take reading material with you on vacations, business trips, rest breaks at work, or tables for one at restaurants. (They missed doctors appointments, car trips, the yearly visit to the Receiver of Revenue....) You routinely dog-ear pages, underline key ideas or scribble notes in the margins so your latest discoveries can be easily retrieved. (This is probably the only thing I disagreed with - I battle to damage books in any way.  Post-it flags - best invention ever - after flipfiles!!!)

2. Intellection


People who are especially talented in the Intellection theme are characterised by their intellectual activity. They are introspective and appreciate intellectual discussion. (Bang on the money!)

It's very likely that you occasionally go off by yourself to think through things. (I've been accused of being anti-social and some people have come to drag me "back into company". All that succeeds in doing is leaving me depressed.  I need my own company and complete silence to completely relax) Because of your strengths, you may feel comfortable associating with some historians. Perhaps you are attracted to experts who rely on proven facts. You might prefer individuals who research particular events.(Anyone who really, really knows their subject is fascinating to talk to.) You sometimes mull over what you have heard. You might develop your own theories, raise new questions, or write about your discoveries. (Again, hence the blog!) By nature, you may enjoy reflecting on what you already know or want to know. At times, your concentration leads you to major or minor discoveries.(Sounds like an average morning devotional time for me!) Maybe you need ample quiet time to examine new information, theories, concepts, or philosophies. Perhaps your mind cannot rest regardless of where you go or what you do. (The reasons for my insomnia are becoming apparent, are they not?  For someone to say to me "Just switch off!" shows that the person speaking does not at all understand how I work.  My brain is just not wired to switch off!!!  That switch short-circuited at birth!)  To some extent, you ponder what you have observed. Occasionally you pose never-before-asked questions. Perhaps thinking deeply about certain things is necessary for you. It might not be a luxury. It might not be an option. Instinctively, you are by nature someone who soothes people when they become upset, overwhelmed, angry, or fearful about life's uncertainties. (Part of me agrees with this - I think of sitting next to the nursing sister of Cotlands on her second-ever flight back from Johannesburg to Cape Town, and she was petrified. Because I've flown a few times, and because I read Colin's aviation magazines, I was able literally to explain in great detail what each noise meant as we approached land and what the next thing to happen would be - all while she squished my hand into oblivion! However, there is a side of me that gets thoroughly irritated with people who seem to be self-indulgent in their anger, upset, moods, frustrations or irrational fears. I cannot bear people "sweating the small stuff" and making mountains out of molehills, making everyone else around them miserable because things are not going exactly according to their plan.) Because you read so much, typically you can expand their view of the situation by sharing a fact, a thought, a quotation, or a story you have discovered. Driven by your talents, you may prefer to read, write and ponder philosophies, theories or concepts that interest you. You might prefer to be alone with your thoughts rather than engage people in small talk at a social event. (Absolutely true.  That's if I even attend the social event.  I am absolutely the WRONG person to have on "meet and greet" in any situation.)


So this, according to Clifton Strengthsfinder, is what runs the rest of me. I think predominantly strategically, not relationally.  Logic works so much better for me (I'm completely left-brained!) - facts and figures all the way.  I have a photographic memory for facts.  Prime example is when I meet people - I will remember their name and facts about them, but ask me what they look like, and I won't be able to tell you!  It's really terrible!

I'll finish off the final three parts of my core tomorrow. I think it's information overload for everyone for one day.

And besides, I have four books and 12 magazines that really, really need my attention!

My normal pose!