A Speed Wobble By Any Other Name ....

If you've read my blog post from last November you'll know about my little Ginga Ninja, Tony, and the challenge of his Nystagmus and his ADHD.  Treatment is going ahead for the ADHD, and while I'd like to say that he's a very cool, calm, collected young boy now, he wouldn't be Tony if he was. As he pointed out a few weeks ago, "I'm not a 'calm-down' kind of guy!"


However, we decided, after our visit to the Pioneer School for the Blind in Worcester last year, that we wanted a second opinion on Anthony's eyes.  We finally got to take him to Dr Galloway in Wynberg (Cape Town) on Monday, and he tested for - and confirmed - that Anthony has something called Ocular Albinism.


This may be the first time - like it was for us - that you have ever heard of this condition, and you may be wondering what it actually is.  Here is the definition from the National Organisation for Albinism and Hypopigmentation (NOAH) :

Ocular albinism in an inherited condition in which the eyes lack melanin pigment, while the skin and hair show normal or near-normal coloration.

The lack of pigment in the eyes causes various vision problems:

• Reduced visual acuity from 20/60 to 20/400 and sometimes as good as 20/25 in African-Americans, 
• Nystagmus - involuntary back-and-forth movement of the eyes, 
• Strabismus - crossed eyes or "lazy" eye, and 
• Sensitivity to bright light and glare. 

The reduced visual acuity may result in difficulty in school, such as inability to read what is written on a chalkboard except when very close, and difficulty with ball sports. It may also result in inability to drive.

With ocular albinism, the color of the iris of the eye may vary from blue to green or even brown, and sometimes darkens with age. However, when an eye doctor examines the eye by shining a light from the side of the eye, the light shines back through the iris since very little pigment is present. There may be areas of the iris which have very little pigment.

The main problem with the eye in ocular albinism is in the fovea, small area of the retina which affords acute vision. With ocular albinism, the fovea does not develop completely, presumably because melanin pigment is needed for the growth processes that normally occur before birth. Therefore the eye cannot process sharp light images. Because the fovea does not develop well, it is difficult to correct vision completely with glasses.

Another defect in ocular albinism is that nerves from the back of the eye to the brain do not follow the usually pattern of routing. From the normal eye, nerve fibers go to both sides of the brain, that is, the same side as the eye and the side opposite from the eye. From the eye with ocular albinism, more of the nerve fibers cross from the eye to the opposite side of the brain.

Basically, after giving Tony what everyone would recognise as an eye test (chart with numbers/letters), he put drops in Tony's eyes and sent us off for half an hour (good chance to get coffee and Google Oculur Albinism!).  When we came back, he took photos of Anthony's eyes with a specialised camera, and the photo looked something like this:

"Those main blood vessels you see there are the main veins and arteries carrying blood to and from the heart.  Do you see those other, fainter blood vessels?"

"Yes"

"Well - that's the problem - you're not supposed to!"  He then proceeded to show us a photo of a normal eye, which looks something like this:

Remarkable difference, isn't it?  That coating is the pigmentation melanin, and it's what filters the light coming into your eyes. Without it, there's no light filtration.  

Let me clarify that Anthony is NOT albino - that's another condition altogether.  Someone who has albinism has no pigmentation in their skin, hair, eyes at all - Anthony has very strong pigmentation in his hair - that beautiful strawberry blonde colour is what some women pay thousands for every year!  He has the bluest of eyes, and though his skin is very fair, it's only slightly paler than usual.

However, as stated above, this condition does lead to vision problems, and Anthony will always have glasses or contact lenses. His sight will not improve.  In measuring his vision, Dr Galloway believes Tony's sight to be in the region of 50%. But the good news is, it won't get worse either. The doctor's advice was to keep him in mainstream school as long as he flourishes, but to bear in mind that it will get more difficult in the higher grades.  I decided to ask a question that has been on my mind for a while, and asked if he would ever be able to drive.  The doctor's reply was that he'd rather prepare us for the worst now, so that anything else is an unexpected surprise, but he believed with Anthony's level of vision, he would not ever be able to learn to drive.

So that's where we are. Does this affect Anthony?  Not at all - he's the same happy-go-lucky child he always was.  He'll quite happily go up to a complete stranger and announce proudly "I have a nystagmus! My eye wobbles!"  Or to another (with a huge smile on his face) "I have ADHD - and so does my best friend!" That's just who he is - ain't nothing gonna break-a his stride, nobody's gonna slow him down - oh no! He's got to keep on moving!  

With the amazing school he goes to and its teaching staff, nothing will change there either. He is already sitting right at the front of the class, with an angled add-on to his desk, so that he's not looking directly down and working in his own light. He works with 2B pencils, not HB, and luckily the print in his readers is big enough for him to see.  He gets high marks for English, Maths and Science. He has an analytic and logical mind, so he loves the problem-solving queries he has to deal with. He soaks in information like a sponge.  In short, he is more than flourishing, he's excelling.

Here's the thing.  When, years ago, I was told that Anthony's nystagmus was the result of muscles not having developed properly, I got to thinking "What did I do wrong? What didn't I do?".  However, on reading up on Ocular Albinism, it comes from the X-chromosome, so at conception there was a 50-50 chance that Anthony would get it. And he did, while his brother Andrew didn't (it generally affects boys more than girls). So here's the way I'm looking at it.  God decreed from the moment that those cells split that Anthony would have Ocular Albinism.. Why? Because He has a massive plan for his life.  "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).  At this stage I don't know what Anthony's future looks like. What I do know is that it is bright.  He's a super-bright child, a total science geek already, nerd deluxe - he'll take anyone on in a quiz on Doctor Who, Star Wars or Harry Potter.  His Grade 1 teacher already said he will grow up to be a writer - either of fantasy novels or of computer programs. I could honestly believe that.  

Did God make a mistake when Anthony was conceived?  Was this just a freaky accident of nature?  Not at all.  I believe God was very intentional in this.  In thinking about it all on Monday, the only verse that was coming into my mind was "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) All those intricate things that go into making Anthony who he is INCLUDED the "speed wobble" that he has, and his superdrive.  He is the first to "walk across the room" and introduce himself to new people. He is not in the least bashful, and has no qualms about his conditions.

There are many challenges ahead for Anthony, and many questions that have arisen, but this I do know - this  condition does not mean the end for Anthony.  It is a new beginning, and one from which he will spring to entirely new levels of achievement.

Finally, if anyone does know of any support groups here in Cape Town for Ocular Albinism, and if anyone has answers for me on the legal applications (like can/should I register him as officially visually impaired, what is available to help him - physically, emotionally and financially?) then please, please get in touch with me.  

Please stay tuned - I have a feeling there are going to be many chapters in this story!

Breaking chains

It was reported today that Abdelbaset Al-Megrahi passed away, with his family round his bedside. Some of you reading this will wonder what on earth this has to do with anything, and the name will mean nothing to you. Unfortunately, the name conjures up all kinds of reactions in others, depending on where your sympathies lie. Al-Megrahi was convicted of having planted the bomb on Pan Am Flight 103 on December 21st, 1988, and causing a 747 to break up over Lockerbie, Scotland - my home town.

The Air Disaster memorial in Rosebank Cresent, some 50 m from my childhood home. where the galley section ploughed into a group of four houses.

Taken from the memorial - my house is on the right, where the fourth car down is parked

A number of status updates I've seen today from Lockardian residents include things like "at last, some happy news!" and "good riddance!".  Despite the fact that we - like everyone in the town - were impacted by the atrocities of that fateful night, I just can't feel that way.  In the same way that I felt the celebrations of Osama Bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi's assassinations were, though understandable, as wrong as the anti-American celebrations that were held in Libya or Palestine after the bombing of flight 103 or 9/11, that's the way I feel about celebrating the death of Al-Megrahi.  I just can't. But by the same token, I don't feel sorry for him at all. At this point, I don't know how I feel.  

What I do feel, has nothing to do with Al-Megrahi at all. Not really.  Because in dealing with things like the Lockerbie Air Disaster, we're faced with an issue called "Forgiveness".  That's what the real issue is here.  It's easy to hate. It's easy to blame. It's easy to demand justice. It's easy to celebrate what we determine is someone's just desserts. That's human nature, and it comes easily to us all. But while justice has a very necessary place in the world, if all we did was mete out justice and seek justice for all those that had wronged us, the world we lived in would be a dark, fearful, legalistic place. Not only would we spend our time scrutinising people to accuse, we'd live in fear of being accused, and the retribution to follow. The reason it isn't like this is because of forgiveness. With it, we can begin to move on. Without it, at best we are impossible to live with. The worst is far more dire and horrific.


C R Strahan said "Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim--letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.”  That is very true.  While you hold on to the pain of whatever offence has been committed, you can never be more than a victim. Is it easy?  It's the hardest thing you'll ever do. And it's a choice that only strong people make. As I said, it takes no brains at all to hang on to the grudge. It is a wilful choice to let go and to forgive. Unforgiveness leads to resentment, which, said Nelson Mandela "is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies".  All these 23 years we've been resenting Al-Megrahi - do you think our anger has made one bit of difference to him? No? Here's the question - what has that anger done to you?  

Don't hear what I'm not saying. If people are guilty of an offence, of course there should be consequences and the justice systems (hopefully) would see to that.  However, even if not, it's not our place on earth to act as judge and jury for every inhumane act against everyone else. Yes, step in where you can, and bring people to justice. But to hold on to anger against someone for years and years and years will change nothing in the situation, and will certainly do you no good.

I watched a programme tonight called "Final 24", on the last day of Gianni Versace's life. The gunman was an obsessed fan by the name of Andrew Cunanan, who had (according to this programme) been unintentionally snubbed by Versace at a party in Los Angeles.  Cunanan never forgot the slight at all, and seven years later  he followed his fallen hero to South Beach, Miami and shot him twice, killing him with the second shot. Seven years of holding a grudge.  Seven years of going over and over the internal pain. Seven years of hate and anger. And eventually it all became too much.  Seven years later, Gianni Versace was gunned down by a total stranger whose intense hate emanated from an offence years in the the past, of which Versace was totally and completely unaware and unaffected.

Jim Beaver said, "Forgiveness is not something you do for someone else; it's something you do for yourself. To forgive is not to condone, it is to refuse to continue feeling bad about an injury." Forgiveness in many ways has very little to do with the other person, and more to do with you.  That we hold onto our grudges says way more about us than it does about the original offenders.

Do we need to necessarily physically have to confront someone and say "I forgive you"?  I battled with this one aspect.  But if you realise, as I said above, that it's more about letting go, then it really becomes a conscious decision to release this offender from your thoughts, to treat him/her as if he/she were no different from the next person.  You see, if they haven't admitted guilt and repented, then you saying to them "I forgive you" would be a pointless exercise, and would probably only serve to stir up more anger. In many ways, forgiveness is purely a heart thing, more than a physical thing.

And I really believe this is what Jesus was getting at in the Sermon on the Mount when he said "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those that persecute you." (Matthew 5:44)  Forgive. Make a decision of the heart. Where does love come from? From the heart.  But just as true love is not a feeling - it's a daily choice - it's the same with forgiveness.  Once you've made that decision, praying for those who are putting you through hell on earth becomes a little easier (Note I didn't say easy - sometimes it really is a physical battle!)

I'm not saying this because I'm in a perfect place on this. It does not take much to set me on a course of unforgiveness, or to feel "justified". It happened to me recently when someone I went to school with was complaining because someone was bullying his daughter. This same person used to bully me at school. It is so hard not to gloat at that point and to feel anything other than a sense of justice.  But then, what about the poor little girl?  Why would I feel happy about that happening to another girl, just like me? When does this circle end? Simply when I choose to break it, to repent of my smugness, and pray for this little girl.  

I know you won't all agree with me, and I'll probably stir up a complete hornets' nest, but since it took me to have to be put onto lifetime medication to at least start learning this lesson, it's not my heart that any of you should have to do this the hard way.  Let it go.  Paul says "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written,“Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19). That's a justice from which no government, family or lawyer can save you. But it belongs to God alone. Forgive. Let it be, and move on.

Trust me, all those who know you and your own body will thank you.

Getting to Know Me Part 5: Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

So in the past 5 days, it's been established that I'm introverted, I love helping people, I'm probably the most likely person in the room to be taken advantage of, acquisition of information is my "thing", I'm most likely to be found with my nose in a book, I'm a wordsmith, I like to get on with a job as soon as I've been given ownership of it and I'm not very quick at making my mind up. That's the ones I agree with.

Simon, the gentleman who introduced us to Strengthsfinder last week had some stuff to say about me.  I'm not sure I agreed with all of it.  He did make it clear that I was likely to get irritated with "drama queens" and people who sweat the small stuff, because I'm all about finding the solution. He said as well, which I disagree with, that I dislike doing routine things again and again.  I have no problem with routine tasks.  In fact I create mini-challenges for myself to do it better and faster next time.  I have an inward celebration when my petty cash balances weekly. It's a challenge for me to see how quickly I can get minutes out after meetings. Mary Poppins summed it up so beautifully:

"In every task that must be done, there is an element of fun
You find the fun and - SNAP! - the job's a game!"

He said that I was solid and dependable, and also pointed out that I probably needed some level of protection, because I was easily taken advantage of.  He said the word that summed me up would probably be "humble" (I'm not sure I agree with that). He then said "this person will never, ever, ever, come into your office and ask you for a pay rise".  Which is true - I can't think of anything I'd rather do less, even if I think I deserve it!  And then he proceeded to say "this person probably does not share her toys or let you even touch her toys".  My colleagues, at that point, burst out laughing and said "her pens!!!!!" I have colour-coded pens (I know - very OCD of me! I almost sound like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory!) and it freaks me when on a Wednesday my green pen is gone, or I can't find my black pen and I know I put it in my pen holder.  So Gregan (married to Glen, whose input we'll get to just now) had a special little pen box that you can file inside a folder, which she didn't want or need any more, and so gave it to me.  It has been the best invention ever for me (after flipfiles and post-it flags), because I can lock it in my drawer!!!  But that's a bad example.  I just like doing things a particular way and since most of the other pens in the office are black ink, I really do fight to protect my purple, green and red pens!  But pretty much anything I'll share. Just maybe not the same cup at the same time. Or a plastic bottle. I didn't think I was too much of a germophobe, but I must admit, that does give me the heeby-jeebies.  He also said that I probably thought I was the most intelligent person in the room.  In looking around the room, with trained psychologists, political scientists, published authors, business owners, lawyers and b.comm students, I certainly didn't feel like the most intelligent there.  In fact, as I looked around the room, I realised that I am the only one that does not have or is not working towards a degree.  So of all Simon's statements, that one was probably the hardest to swallow, and I still don't think that way.

On the whole, though, I fared pretty well in Simon's summing up (though I did say to a couple of my colleagues "He made it sound like I hate my job and I only want more money!!!"), but there were others who went home depressed at the people they thought they were. So the following day, one of our elders, Glen, sent this amazing email, which he gave me permission to publish in this blog, and with it, I'll close this series.

From: Glen Bodington
Sent: 02 February 2012 12:03 PM
To: Newgen Admin Staff
Subject: Fearfully and Wonderfully made

Hello Wonderful and Diverse Individuals,

Yesterday Simon's StrengthFinder was quite an experience, I'm sure we all agree. Thanks Stef for initiating the time with him in an attempt to grow us and invest in us.

Last night after Simon's character assessments, which were mostly quite accurate, I got to thinking about the implications of what he said and would like you to take the following to heart when mulling your assessment over in your mind:

1) Simon isn't God

No surprise, that! Simon's job is to assess you based on the glasses through which you viewed and answered the questions. The assessment helps to point out how you see the world and make judgements, BASED ON 5 WORDS. Clearly this is not your entire make up, but does highlight the slants that we place on decision making without us even knowing. Simon isn't trying to define you, God defined you before He created you and He LOVES the way that He made you. Simon is hoping to help us explore how God wired us.

2) Strengths NOT curses

Simon started off with the disclaimer that he will try to highlight what characteristics make you who you are. The characteristics don't "make you who you are", the characteristics come out because of who you are and who God made you to be.

eg. So Simon said that I was probably "arrogant". After clarifying that, he meant "confident in what I do" because I have full confidence that what I do I do to the best of my ability. (That actually can lead to arrogance!) Confidence is good and can be a strength. Arrogance is bad, but is undoubtedly linked to confidence, just in the wrong manner. To know your strengths should give you permission (where you haven't exercised it) to use it AS GOD INTENDED. Confidence is Godly, arrogance isn't.

3) Stef FINALLY makes sense

The benefit of going through the process together is that it SHOULD open my eyes to the fact that God made you very different to me. Gift mixes are beautiful and individual. I now know that my envy of Monique's tidy top-drawer is because our wirings of "Achiever" don't naturally allow us to have an untidy drawer because we want them to be the best - that's not wrong, it's just Monique! It should free her up to want to tidy everyone's top drawer and we should all let her do it! We should be more tolerable of other people's differences and not conform them to our view of what the perfect person looks like.

4) Don't forget about Jesus!

All of what came out in the results excluded the positive and life-changing power of Jesus Christ who came to save us from ourselves! My profile would read very differently if it wasn't for Jesus - my top 5 "themes" would still be my top 5 themes, but the expression of those themes would be VERY DIFFERENT.

ACHIEVER:

without Jesus: I want to be the very best. I will climb the corporate ladder and earn my way to the top!

because of Jesus: I want to be excellent and do everything excellently, because He made me and He deserves everything of me.

LEARNER:

without Jesus: I love reading and I read a lot. I absorb information and know pretty much everything. Yes, I am superior to you and I will speak with words that are completely over your head. No, you can't teach me anything because I already know everything!

because of Jesus: I Love reading and I read a lot. God is so huge and so vast that I can never know everything - how exciting. I may know more than this guy speaking to me, but I want to remain teachable. I'll also choose to speak to you so that the language is understandable - I have no benefit in losing you in big words!

The permutations are endless!

Jesus gives us value, not our talents. Jesus gives us value, not even the fact that He made us. Jesus, alone, gives us value and meaning.

I am a work in progress - being formed into the image of Christ. I will still have the character traits that He put inside me, but I will be expressing them to the glory of God. God does want you to be you, but the you that is submitted to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. I need to know what I naturally tend toward to prevent me from being abused in that area, but also to bring glory to God in that area. I need to know what I naturally tend toward when I make a decision because my viewpoint IS VALID, just different.

This is an amazing team to work with and the gift mix that God has brought together makes it a formidable team in His hands. Let's appreciate, stimulate and applaud each others wiring that is a strength. We appreciate you for who you are and know that you add value. That's why you're on this team! And God knows the incredible futures that He has for us in this incredibly privileged place of working in NewGen.

Much love and appreciation,

Glen

You knitted me together in my mother's womb. 
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; 
   my soul knows it very well.  (Psalm 139:13-14)

Getting to Know Me Part 4: Undercurrents

So yesterday I mentioned that, according to Strengthsfinder, I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge, and will most likely have my head buried in a book at any given time.

However, I was told to log my top 5, so here are the other three, in order:

3. Learner


People who are especially talented in the Learner theme have a great desire to learn and want to continuously improve. In particular, the process of learning, rather than the outcome, excites them. (And this, in a nutshell, explains why my high school days were the most miserable days of my life.  I love the idea of being in a class, of learning, and with my thirst for knowledge, I just wanted to be taught. And then you get the class clowns who are exactly the opposite....)


Because of your strengths you prefer to work in groups. (Not necessarily) You are attracted to teams whose activities and challenges intrigue you. You usually give these matters your undivided attention. Chances are good that you are attracted to the difficult and challenging endeavours. (If I'm honest, what normally happens is that I somehow accidentally end up volunteering for things or getting involved by default) You are not inclined to look for the easy way out. You are bold. You take risks. (Not really) You dare to stretch your mind. You test the limits of your abilities in ways that timid individuals would not attempt. By nature, you might search for the factors that produced a certain outcome or started a particular chain of events. Sometimes you are frustrated until you figure out why things happen the way they did.(Another major cause of my insomnia) Instinctively, you sometimes dedicate yourself to acquiring specific types of knowledge or using particular skills. Maybe you are self-taught. (Pretty much all my computer skills are self-taught) Maybe you work with an instructor, trainer, coach or mentor. You might embrace opportunities to expose your mind to new ideas.(or I might not) You might welcome the chance to practice new ways of plying - that is, diligently practising - a trade or a craft. It's very likely that you relish reading about topics that fascinate you. People are not surprised to find you with your nose in a book - that is, reading all the time. (The word to emphasise in that sentence is "all") When a subject intrigues you, you review a wide range of printed materials. You glean - that is, collect bits and pieces - as much information as you possibly can about your areas of greatest interest. (What has amazed me in my spring clean this year is how much my interests have changed and how many newspaper articles, emails, magazine articles I was able to throw away).

4. Responsibility


People who are especially talented in the Responsibility theme take psychological ownership of what they say they will do. They are committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty. (Absolutely)

Instinctively you are a person upon whom others can depend. When you make a promise, you keep it. You feel obligated to honour your commitments. (Whatever it takes) You do things correctly, accurately, and properly. (Doing it any other way is not God-honouring, nor is it satisfying nor does it honour the person you're doing it for) It's very likely that you probably are the team member who wants to be held accountable for the results you produce and the obligations you assume. You can readily admit when you are wrong. You usually accept without complaining the consequences of your words and deeds. Driven by your talents, you may reject the idea that telling a falsehood about something unimportant is acceptable.(A lie is a lie) Perhaps you refuse to make an innocent social excuse to protect someone's feelings.(This is pretty much why my last job was a disaster - because I couldn't in honesty tell someone that my ex-boss wasn't there when she very definitely was.) Because of your strengths, you sometimes work hard to do what you said you would do. (Hometime is a concept to me, not set in stone) Perhaps you take pleasure from hearing people say they can count on you. Being regarded as dependable or trustworthy might be your badge of honour. (See, this is where I have to be very careful - pride can very easily set in) By nature, you may have a reputation for exhibiting more adult-like behaviour than a few of your colleagues, teammates, classmates, friends or others.(Again, why high school was so painful to me - some people just need to grow up!!!) Some individuals regard you as an expert in your field,. Perhaps they notice you are talented, skilled and/or knowledgeable. When certain people appreciate these traits, you might be motivated to use them on a daily basis.

5. Developer


People who are especially talented in the Developer theme recognise and cultivate the potential in others. They spot the signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements.

Instinctively, you are naturally inclined to make sacrifices that benefit someone else. You enjoy being generous with your time, knowledge, skills, experiences, resources or possessions. (Mmmmm ... yes.... to a point). Driven by your talents, you are devoted to helping others. (This much is right) You keep serving , even to the point of your own detriment. (How does that 'n' word go?  Nnnnnnyessss) You toil tirelessly for the benefit of people. You expect nothing in return. Exhausted as you are, you usually derive satisfaction from working on worthy causes with your friends. Because of your strengths, you may sense the good qualities certain people possess. Perhaps you find something to like in many individuals you meet. Sometimes you remind others of the reasons why you think a person is special. In the process, you might boost the self-esteem or confidence of a newcomer. It's very likely that you may derive satisfaction from helping youngsters. The exact nature of your assistance might be influenced by your talents as well as your knowledge and skills. By nature, you like to lift the spirits of the people around you. You know what to do and say so individuals feel useful, valued, appreciated and important.(I'm no saint - I can also be impatient, and cutting).


So that's my core characteristics.  Stay tuned for the final blog in this series, tomorrow,when I will go into what pulls all of these previous posts together, because there is one factor that hasn't been taken into account in any of these tests.

My favourite team

Getting to Know Me Part 3 - At the Core

I'd heard about Strengthsfinder some time ago when a work colleague at Cotlands started talking about it after attending a lecture on the subject. It was interesting, but it was knowledge I put to the back of my mind, and never thought about it again.

That is until Newgen decided to do an admin teambuilding day.

The basic history and premise of Strengthsfinder

We were each given a link and a unique code, given the instruction to log in, answer the questions, and thus gain the 5 words generated as a result. So I duly did that last Sunday - closed my door, logged in and completed the questionnaire.  Sure enough, I got my 5 words.  It was only on the Tuesday that I found out I'd been given a report that I could print out!  When I read it, I was terrified, and convinced some kind of witchcraft was going on!

On the Wednesday morning, we got to meet Simon, who explained what Strengthsfinder was and what it does, and we got to see (most of us for the first time) into whether our words fell into the "influence", "relate", "strategic" or "execute" domains.  "Influence" is those traits which help us in large group situations - they quite enjoy limelight, being in public, think of things like ambience, moods, etc.  But they're not very good at one-on-one relationships - that's the job of the "relate" key words.  People who are strong in this are real "people" people.  While they might be shy, they are very tuned in to how a person is feeling, and whether they feel part of what is going on or not.  Then the "strategic" people are the deep thinkers and planners - research and innovation is what they thrive on.  Then the "executors" - the "get it done" type people.  They might not be friendly, but they know what has to be done, and they get it done - very, very efficiently.

So Simon started giving us our groupings.  Not really surprising, none of my words fell into the "Influence" domain.  I really am a person who prefers very much to be quietly in the back row, so I wasn't surprised.  My fifth strongest trait - that of "developer" came up under relate, and then my top three traits came up in "strategic".  If you've been keeping up, then you will know that my last one was in "execute."

Anyway. let me give you my top two - the two words that Strengthsfinder reckons sum me up better that any other words in the whole world:

1, Input


People who are especially talented in the input theme have a craving to know more. Often they like to collect and archive all kinds of information.  (So true - this is where flipfiles are the best invention ever!)

Chances are good that you are determined to keep abreast of the news. You probably satisfy your hunger for current information by habitually reading newspapers, magazines, correspondence, memos, files or Internet sites. (Witchcraft, I tell you - who told them????) Driven by your talents, you delight in the opportunity to hear leading thinkers discuss their theories and insights. The "life of the mind" appeals to you greatly. You relish acquiring new information about profound, out-of-the-ordinary, or scholarly ideas. It's very likely that you may be a wordsmith - that is, a person who works with words. (Hence my blog!) Perhaps you collect complicated terms and their definitions. Whether you can use these immediately or months later is of little concern.(I love playing "It Pays To Enhance Your Word Power" in Reader's Digest! And Balderdash is just the most fantastic game ever for this!) You might realise your sophisticated vocabulary is an "open sesame" - that is, words that unfailingly bring about a desired end. You might speak or write in such a manner that the condition of humankind or the planet improves in some small, yet meaningful, way. By nature, you may insert intricate or theoretical words into your academic or professional conversations and writings. your interest in language partially explains why you enjoy mastering specific types of words and their definitions. While some individuals are required to memorise new terms in classes or seminars, perhaps you automatically commit specific words to memory. Occasionally you describe this experience as pleasurable. Instinctively, you can escape the tension, pressure or stress of everyday life by reading a good book, diving into a publication's articles, or pulling up information on the Internet. ("Oh, this is so not like me!" she says sarcastically ....)You are apt to take reading material with you on vacations, business trips, rest breaks at work, or tables for one at restaurants. (They missed doctors appointments, car trips, the yearly visit to the Receiver of Revenue....) You routinely dog-ear pages, underline key ideas or scribble notes in the margins so your latest discoveries can be easily retrieved. (This is probably the only thing I disagreed with - I battle to damage books in any way.  Post-it flags - best invention ever - after flipfiles!!!)

2. Intellection


People who are especially talented in the Intellection theme are characterised by their intellectual activity. They are introspective and appreciate intellectual discussion. (Bang on the money!)

It's very likely that you occasionally go off by yourself to think through things. (I've been accused of being anti-social and some people have come to drag me "back into company". All that succeeds in doing is leaving me depressed.  I need my own company and complete silence to completely relax) Because of your strengths, you may feel comfortable associating with some historians. Perhaps you are attracted to experts who rely on proven facts. You might prefer individuals who research particular events.(Anyone who really, really knows their subject is fascinating to talk to.) You sometimes mull over what you have heard. You might develop your own theories, raise new questions, or write about your discoveries. (Again, hence the blog!) By nature, you may enjoy reflecting on what you already know or want to know. At times, your concentration leads you to major or minor discoveries.(Sounds like an average morning devotional time for me!) Maybe you need ample quiet time to examine new information, theories, concepts, or philosophies. Perhaps your mind cannot rest regardless of where you go or what you do. (The reasons for my insomnia are becoming apparent, are they not?  For someone to say to me "Just switch off!" shows that the person speaking does not at all understand how I work.  My brain is just not wired to switch off!!!  That switch short-circuited at birth!)  To some extent, you ponder what you have observed. Occasionally you pose never-before-asked questions. Perhaps thinking deeply about certain things is necessary for you. It might not be a luxury. It might not be an option. Instinctively, you are by nature someone who soothes people when they become upset, overwhelmed, angry, or fearful about life's uncertainties. (Part of me agrees with this - I think of sitting next to the nursing sister of Cotlands on her second-ever flight back from Johannesburg to Cape Town, and she was petrified. Because I've flown a few times, and because I read Colin's aviation magazines, I was able literally to explain in great detail what each noise meant as we approached land and what the next thing to happen would be - all while she squished my hand into oblivion! However, there is a side of me that gets thoroughly irritated with people who seem to be self-indulgent in their anger, upset, moods, frustrations or irrational fears. I cannot bear people "sweating the small stuff" and making mountains out of molehills, making everyone else around them miserable because things are not going exactly according to their plan.) Because you read so much, typically you can expand their view of the situation by sharing a fact, a thought, a quotation, or a story you have discovered. Driven by your talents, you may prefer to read, write and ponder philosophies, theories or concepts that interest you. You might prefer to be alone with your thoughts rather than engage people in small talk at a social event. (Absolutely true.  That's if I even attend the social event.  I am absolutely the WRONG person to have on "meet and greet" in any situation.)


So this, according to Clifton Strengthsfinder, is what runs the rest of me. I think predominantly strategically, not relationally.  Logic works so much better for me (I'm completely left-brained!) - facts and figures all the way.  I have a photographic memory for facts.  Prime example is when I meet people - I will remember their name and facts about them, but ask me what they look like, and I won't be able to tell you!  It's really terrible!

I'll finish off the final three parts of my core tomorrow. I think it's information overload for everyone for one day.

And besides, I have four books and 12 magazines that really, really need my attention!

My normal pose!

Getting to Know Me Part 2: Four little letters, so much meaning

Most psychometric testing for employment uses a specific matrix known as the "Myers Brigg Personality Test"

Find out more about its history, precepts and application here

I can't remember when I did my first Myers Briggs personality test, but I do know that when I did it, it spat out the letters "ISFJ" at me.  I didn't think too much of it.  When I redid the test some 5 years later and in a time of great stress, I completely expected a different answer.  Guess what?  I was an ISFJ.  When my life stabilised a number of months later, I thought I would retake the test.  Guess what?  I was an ISFJ!  So, given that it seems I am destined to be an ISFJ, here's what this test determines my personality should be.  As in my earlier post, I will comment as it goes along.

The Nurturer

As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.

ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. (Don't worry - I don't live in Cloud Cuckooland - I know that the world is also a very tough place.  Just my corner of it doesn't need to match the rest of the world) They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best. (There's a little genius in everyone - it just needs to be brought out)

ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ. (Incredibly true and plays out with the final personality test I did last week)

ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work. Therefore, they're not likely to buy into doing things in a new way, unless they're shown in a concrete way why its better than the established method. (That matches into to the phlegmatic way of doing things - seemingly resistant to change, but really just weighing up the pros and the cons)

ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. (This is not at all true - I gain most of my information and learning from book study) For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. (Not true of me at all - I love research - we'll deal more with that tomorrow). They value practical application. Traditional methods of higher education, which require a lot of theorizing and abstraction, are likely to be a chore for the ISFJ. (Again, not true - I would have loved to have gone to uni. I was completely jealous of Catherine going to Rhodes last year!) The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable. (This much is true)

The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. (Functional is a good word.  As to beautifully furnished ... ai... long way to go there.  Finances is a hindrance to that)  They make extremely good interior decorators. (No desire!) This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient. (All too true - which is why most of my shopping for Christmas is done months in advance - long before I get to the Mall!  I will have planned in detail what each person needs to get.)

More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. (That's me, for sure)  If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions. (That's a work in progress with me at the moment)

Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.

The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. (Remember what I said yesterday about the involuntary arm spasm?)  In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.

ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right". (Very true - almost bipolar at times!)

The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Introverted Sensing
Auxilliary: Extraverted Feeling
Tertiary: Introverted Thinking
Inferior: Extraverted Intuition

What's really funny is that I tend to keep ending up married to/working with ESTJs.  That's a good and a bad thing.  It means my need to be expressive with words does not sit well with them - they need me to cut to the chase (unless of course they're doing the talking, in which case I'm usually too polite to tell them to get to the point).  But it's a learning curve for me all the time, with them and with the other 14 groups that I haven't mentioned here.

So once again, I will welcome your criticism/debate.  For example, though I'm "the nurturer", don't expect me to smother you with hugs. I'm just not that type at all, and the very thought freaks me out.  I understood why much better after the final personality test I did (which I'll start discussing tomorrow)

Why not take the Myers Briggs test and maybe learn something about yourself that you didn't know?  Bear in mind, that four letters, though they may be able to predict some (or most) of your behaviour, do not define who you are.  (I will deal more with that point later this week.)

Go on - be brave!

Take the test

Find out more about your type

Growth is inevitable - nurturing or lack thereof determines the direction

Getting to Know Me Part 1: So laid back I'm horizontal!

It's been a fairly introspective week, with yet another test which showed me yet more facets of my personality.  Some of them I've agreed with, some of them I haven't.  But in the interest of personal growth, I'm going to throw it all open to public scrutiny.  Come with me on a journey over the next couple of days or so and tell me what you agree or disagree with!


We'll start with the first personality test I took a number of years back, which was from a book called "Personality Plus" by Florence Littauer.  My good friend Loraine lent me the book and after I took the test and read my personality traits, I was positively blown away.  Ms Littauer says that, as discovered by Hippocrates, there are four basic personality traits:

Choleric: This is the commander-type. Cholerics are dominant, strong, decisive, stubborn and even arrogant.

Melancholy: This is the mental-type. Their typical behaviour involves thinking, assessing, making lists, evaluating the positives and negatives, and general analysis of facts.

Sanguine: This is the social-type. They enjoy fun, socialising, chatting, telling stories - and are fond of promising the world, because that's the friendly thing to do.

Phlegmatic: This is the flat-type. They are easy going, laid back, nonchalant, unexcitable and relaxed. Desiring a peaceful environment above all else.

(Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_Plus)

So which am I?  Are you all guessing yet?  Well, like all of us, I turned out to be a combination of each of the types.  No suprises, I scored the least in choleric - not too much of the bossy in me, really!  Second-least was sanguine - I'm way too introverted for that.  My second-top was Melancholy, which explains why I sometimes get into a "funk", but by far - I'm talking 20% majority - my top trait was Phlegmatic.  Bet you didn't see that one coming, hey?


Do I agree with this?  To a point, yes I do.  My default is not to make waves, to as far as possible live at peace with everyone, not in a tree-hugging kum-ba-ya sort of way, but in that life's too short to be petty and small-minded and want to argue every single point.  So overall, yes, I definitely agree that I am a phlegmatic. However, let's get specific.

Here's what founder of Mediation Works North and divorce counsellor Lois Warner had to say about phlegmatics:

"The phlegmatic personality is low-key, easygoing and relaxed. (This is how I live my life.  I love the idea of being "low-key".  Not that I want to keep flying under the radar - that's not it - it's just that limelight has never been that big an attraction for me, and the longer I can avoid it, the happier I am.  It's why I'm happiest when I'm in the back row of the choir and why I'm most freaked out when our very choleric choir leader keeps sticking me in the front row!)  They are patient, well-balanced and calm.  They usually have a consistent and well-balanced lifestyle.  While they are quiet, they are also possess a witty sense of humor.  They are sympathetic and kindhearted. They are content in almost any surrounding or circumstance and go with the flow of life. They have a calming disposition in times of trouble. They are not open about their emotions and are not quick to express their true feelings -- mainly because they do not want to hurt another's feelings.  They do not like feeling vulnerable by exposing their own thoughts without trusting first. (I'm a very closed book in many ways. Only those closest to me will know when something is bothering me, and it won't be something I share with any great ease.  Again, not for any other reason than I don't want to be a bother.)

The phlegmatic will take time for others and is not hurried. (Mmmmm.... not sure I'd agree with that.  I hate being late for anything, and I get flustered if I'm starting to run late.  Arriving at 8.32 in the office is enough to set me off in a series of heartfelt apologies.  It might only be two minutes to everyone else, but it might as well have been 2 hours as far as I'm concerned. And then, you haven't seen me run around on a Sunday morning!!!  Nothing laid back about life then!)   They are very patient with children and make wonderful parents.  They can take the good with the bad and do not easily become upset.  (True) They are competent, steady, peaceful and agreeable. (I do my best)  They oftentimes possess excellent administrative ability. (Well .. do I really need to say more???) They are natural born mediators and work well under pressure.

In a group setting, they are easy to get along with.  They are excellent listeners with a dry sense of humor.  (Oh, stop ... you're embarrassing me ...) They enjoy watching people and oftentimes have many friends. (There are a number of friends who will know that my favourite activity while I'm out and about is "people watching" and trying to make up a story of a person's life, judging by outward appearance, actions and body language.  It's so much fun!) People are naturally drawn to them because of their accepting, easygoing nature.  All-in-all, every group and every family would benefit from the stabilizing force of at least one phlegmatic!

If you have two phlegmatics in a house that caught fire they would each wait it out to see who gets off the couch first to call the fire department! If you have two phlegmatics on a working committee with a deadline approaching they would have difficulty deciding what needs to be done and both would avoid discussing the matter hoping it will go away. (I really don't think I have problems there - things have to get done.  I don't battle to follow deadlines. They have to be met.  I also get frustrated when other people seem to be less concerned for the deadline that I am!)    A phlegmatic group needs the leadership of a strong choleric or a fussy melancholy.  A phlegmatic person is the only type of personality that will tolerate these strong temperaments anyway.  (The good thing is we are all a blend of temperaments to balance us all out!)

A phlegmatic temperament, in spite of the many wonderful characteristics can have its downside, like every temperament.  They can be unenthusiastic and do not get revved up very easily.  That can be very frustrating to the fireball, changeable sanguine temperament -- even though the balance of the phlegmatic is is exactly what a sanguine temperament needs. (Yes, I will take time to analyse a situation. Yes, until I've weighed up the pros and cons of a situation, I might seem a tad resistant, but only because I haven't fully weighed everything up first.)

A phlegmatic can become addicted to worry.  They need assurance. (Yes.  I can't deny that.  My insomnia mostly has to do with something being on my mind, even subconsciously. In fact, if I'm not worrying about anything, that would worry me.) They can be resistant to change and that can make them indecisive and insecure in decisionmaking. They need a lot of encouragement, even though they appear secure and confident. Remember that they do not openly express their fears or their feelings. Be sensitive with a phlegmatic.  Be as kind and considerate to them as they will be to you.

Depending on how strong the phlegmatic tendencies are, they will avoid taking on any more responsibility than needed. (Leadership, yes!  Responsibility, no!  I seem to have this involuntary arm spasm when it comes to volunteering. See, the problem is this.  I know the job needs to get done, and when everyone else has made their excuse as to why they can't do it ... well ... what's a girl to do??  It does of course work to my detriment most of the time, but the job gets done. And Colin has a tough night ahead of debriefing and comforting a frazzled heap of emotions!) Again, they need to be encouraged to take on responsibility because they are very capable. Encourage and praise them.

Do not be totally fooled by their easygoing nature.  They can possess a quiet will of iron that is as immovable as a rock. They can be very stubborn and never admit it. (Unfortunately, yes, I am EXTREMELY stubborn.  It's probably my greatest fault; did I really just admit that??? Wow!)  They can be self-righteous and a little selfish at times. They will try to place decision making responsibilities onto others. They can be judgmental, sarcastic, and teasing. (Being self-righteous, judgmental, cynical and selfish (with my emotions mainly - my possessions you can have!) comes easily for me.  Being humble, forgiving, trusting and open takes a lot of effort.  When Paul talks about offering ourselves as a living sacrifice in Romans 12, every time I share how I'm feeling, trust me, that's a little sacrifice right there!)

They have difficulty setting goals and can lack self-motivation. (Goal-setting is my worst!  I'm dreading anyone asking me what my main goal for 2012 is.  I don't know!!!  Just to be a better person in December than I was in January, I guess!)   They can be difficult to get moving and they deeply resent being pushed. (The stubborn gene kicks in) They would much rather watch than be the active participant. (It's so much more fascinating!)

If you are blessed with a phlegmatic child, realize that they need direct and positive motivation.  Do not expect them to respond in immediate enthusiasm.  It is not part of their nature. (I'll get there - just let me weigh up the pros and the cons.  Put it this way, I'd be a lousy theatre nurse) Instead of pushing or judging, help them set goals and provide them with benchmark rewards.

While you may need to force a phlegmatic person to make a decision out of necessity, do not push them to make a decision and then blame them if it does not work out.  This is very detrimental to a phlegmatic's self-esteem.  They have a sensitive ego, but they will never let you see that you have hurt it. (Story of my teenage years, and I think all elephants are phlegmatic - we just really battle to forget). Remember that their quiet easygoing temperament makes them easy targets.  Be careful not to take advantage of them. (Sadly, those that take advantage are mostly those that don't bother with this kind of stuff or get to know the person they're walking over).

In conflict, do not accept their first "no", but continue to show them the confidence you have in their ability to lead or make sound decisions once motivated. Give them time and a little space to adjust to new changes and provide them with information and encouragement to help them sort through decisions. Appreciate their kind and even disposition.  Appreciate that they will not make hasty decisions and have excellent, well-balanced problem solving abilities."

(Source: http://www.mediationworksnorth.org/a/j/tips/15-the-easy-going-phlegmatic)

So that's me - easy-going, take-me-or-leave-me, unobtrusive little me.  And you're welcome to disagree.  In honesty, I'd welcome the debate.

Well, if I can find the energy to debate, that is.  I mean .... can't we all just get along????

All God's creatures gotta take a nap sometime!